Undead In Unlove

Thread: Undead In Unlove

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  1. MoonRide*r*'s Avatar

    MoonRide*r* said:

    Cool Overdrawn

    This is probably the worst piece of junk I've ever written. Opinions/suggestions/criticisms?

    ______________


    Overdrawn

    This tired old dude is just fed up with living
    Nothing to show for all the sweetness I've given
    ALL the damn times I gave a girl all she wanted
    They smiled and just took while I withered and fronted
    ALL of 'em said "this is how I want you to be"
    Yeah girl I got you. But now what about ME
    You're always right and I'm just f*cking WRONG?
    Again and again now I'm way overdrawn

    I used to be the guy every girl wants to marry
    but now I'm used up got no heart left to carry
    your dead weight, got too much of my own
    Gave up so much that my heart's just a stone

    No life in me but then you were the leech
    who thought I was Superman, sweet little peach
    Felt so damn good to be your flaming desire
    But when it really mattered then love was a liar
    Selfish demands were just peachy for you
    When I screamed in need you just twisted the screw
    You even blamed me when I walked away
    Again you were "right" I got NOTHING to say?

    I used to be the man every girl wants to marry
    but now I'm used up got no strength left to carry
    your dead weight, got too much of my own
    Gave up so much that my heart's just a stone

    Don't be too hurt it's not just about you
    But you do need to know this so yeah take the clue
    I'll say it again hope you get it this time
    Your needs were golden but mine weren't worth a dime
    You told me and told me you gotta be yourself
    Times I should just put my heart on a shelf
    You loved that I loved you but "Don't get too close
    I need what I need and you gotta be a ghost."

    I used to be the guy every girl wants to marry
    but now I'm used up got no strength left to carry
    your dead weight, got too much of my own
    Gave up so much that my heart's just a stone

    Don't feel too bad you're no worse than the rest
    But you're part of why I'm this f*cked up mess
    I try not to hate what keeps beating me down
    Dying alone I keep hanging around
    Like a broken record I hear you're all that matters
    You're blind to the fact that my soul is in tatters
    Just one more girl who kept using me up
    Long list of failures is my Stanley Cup

    I used to be the guy every girl wants to marry
    but now I'm used up got no strength left to carry
    your dead weight, got too much of my own
    Nice guys finish last - undead and alone

    Can't carry your weight, got too much of my own
    Gave up so much that my heart's just a stone
    Dying alone my heart's just a stone
    Dying alone my heart's just a stone

    added

    But you were the sweetest don't leave me alone
    You are the sweetest don't leave me alone
    I'll love you forever don't leave me alone
    I'll need you forever don't leave me alone
    I'm hurting so bad please don't leave me alone
    I need you so bad please don't leave me alone.
    Last edited by MoonRide*r*; 03-02-2011 at 03:31 AM.
    There is no glamour in sudden death, and nobody ever wins a war.
    :
    Rockers Unite! =>
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  2. MiT's Avatar

    MiT said:

    Default

    I think this is good ;
    I think i can sing a rap with this lyrics... if you don't mind may i try ??
  3. OneSongWayne's Avatar

    OneSongWayne said:

    Default

    Why are you writing songs about me???

    LOL LOL LOL

    This is NOT junk. It may not get you signed but it certenly is darn good writing. This could be some good "screaming out loud" heavy metal. There are some very good...... make that "Excellent" lyrics here. In my openion the worst part of this song is the title. And it's not all that bad.
  4. Experimentalist's Avatar

    Experimentalist said:

    Default

    Id have to agree with the original posters first lines. This isnt far off junk imo. I thought the whole point of these forums was so people could be 100% honest with each other about their work. I will happily accept constructive critisicm about my work so if you dont like it tell me or how else can I improve??

    I can't even be constructive with my critisicm of this piece really but Ill try

    Its too long
    undeaD In unlove suggests some sort of zombie porno
    no flow, not easy to read

    best thing you can do is move on


    sorry but I try to be as honest as I can with everyone and it may not make me the most popular poster on here but I can live with that. Honesty is the best policy here folks
  5. Mon said:

    Default

    I also think the lyrics are long and you should change the title but about the flow i really can't talk about flow coz i think it really determines on how the music is composed and how its sung and again about the length its still fine like for an album but not as a single.
  6. MoonRide*r*'s Avatar

    MoonRide*r* said:

    Default

    Not sure how this one managed to keep finding its way up, but que sera ...

    @MiT: Sorry I took sooo long to respond to you on this. Sure no problem and I had even thought about rapping this (coz it's so wordy anyway) but I'm not really a rapper and I probably woulda missed the mark. But go ahead, be my guest

    @Wayne: Lol thanks bro, and yeah something like this is defo not single material. Heavy Metal or epic Rock-Ballad were my two choices for this, but yeah Metal would be easier and more fitting. Anything less would make it an 8-minute song.

    @Mon: Yep I changed the title as both you and Wayne suggested. I'll explain my first take on it in a bit. Thanks for everything else you said

    @Exp: Both Wayne and Mon offered constructive 'criticism' and only in the positive sense of that word, much to my appreciation. Second, just to clarify, I did not mean that this was lyrical junk, and I can hardly take your use of that word as 'constructive' criticism, sorry. What I meant was emotional junk because there was a lot of real pain behind this. Third, 'zombie' for sure, that should be rather obvious. But zombie 'porno'?? How did you get that out of this? ...... the eye of the beholder? ...... lol ............ but why don't we all just "move on" now?

    Thanks guys

    Edit: I'm closing this coz I don't really wanna see this less-than-the-best of my stuff elevated again ... again thanks sincerely for your inputs.
    Last edited by MoonRide*r*; 03-02-2011 at 04:53 AM.
    There is no glamour in sudden death, and nobody ever wins a war.
    :
    Rockers Unite! =>
    ROCK 'n' Roll Halls of Fame