This is probably the worst piece of junk I've ever written. Opinions/suggestions/criticisms?
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Overdrawn
This tired old dude is just fed up with living
Nothing to show for all the sweetness I've given
ALL the damn times I gave a girl all she wanted
They smiled and just took while I withered and fronted
ALL of 'em said "this is how I want you to be"
Yeah girl I got you. But now what about ME
You're always right and I'm just f*cking WRONG?
Again and again now I'm way overdrawn
I used to be the guy every girl wants to marry
but now I'm used up got no heart left to carry
your dead weight, got too much of my own
Gave up so much that my heart's just a stone
No life in me but then you were the leech
who thought I was Superman, sweet little peach
Felt so damn good to be your flaming desire
But when it really mattered then love was a liar
Selfish demands were just peachy for you
When I screamed in need you just twisted the screw
You even blamed me when I walked away
Again you were "right" I got NOTHING to say?
I used to be the man every girl wants to marry
but now I'm used up got no strength left to carry
your dead weight, got too much of my own
Gave up so much that my heart's just a stone
Don't be too hurt it's not just about you
But you do need to know this so yeah take the clue
I'll say it again hope you get it this time
Your needs were golden but mine weren't worth a dime
You told me and told me you gotta be yourself
Times I should just put my heart on a shelf
You loved that I loved you but "Don't get too close
I need what I need and you gotta be a ghost."
I used to be the guy every girl wants to marry
but now I'm used up got no strength left to carry
your dead weight, got too much of my own
Gave up so much that my heart's just a stone
Don't feel too bad you're no worse than the rest
But you're part of why I'm this f*cked up mess
I try not to hate what keeps beating me down
Dying alone I keep hanging around
Like a broken record I hear you're all that matters
You're blind to the fact that my soul is in tatters
Just one more girl who kept using me up
Long list of failures is my Stanley Cup
I used to be the guy every girl wants to marry
but now I'm used up got no strength left to carry
your dead weight, got too much of my own
Nice guys finish last - undead and alone
Can't carry your weight, got too much of my own
Gave up so much that my heart's just a stone
Dying alone my heart's just a stone
Dying alone my heart's just a stone
added
But you were the sweetest don't leave me alone
You are the sweetest don't leave me alone
I'll love you forever don't leave me alone
I'll need you forever don't leave me alone
I'm hurting so bad please don't leave me alone
I need you so bad please don't leave me alone.
Last edited by MoonRide*r*; 03-02-2011 at 03:31 AM.
There is no glamour in sudden death, and nobody ever wins a war. :
Rockers Unite! => ROCK 'n' Roll Halls of Fame
This is NOT junk. It may not get you signed but it certenly is darn good writing. This could be some good "screaming out loud" heavy metal. There are some very good...... make that "Excellent" lyrics here. In my openion the worst part of this song is the title. And it's not all that bad.
Id have to agree with the original posters first lines. This isnt far off junk imo. I thought the whole point of these forums was so people could be 100% honest with each other about their work. I will happily accept constructive critisicm about my work so if you dont like it tell me or how else can I improve??
I can't even be constructive with my critisicm of this piece really but Ill try
Its too long
undeaD In unlove suggests some sort of zombie porno
no flow, not easy to read
best thing you can do is move on
sorry but I try to be as honest as I can with everyone and it may not make me the most popular poster on here but I can live with that. Honesty is the best policy here folks
I also think the lyrics are long and you should change the title but about the flow i really can't talk about flow coz i think it really determines on how the music is composed and how its sung and again about the length its still fine like for an album but not as a single.
Not sure how this one managed to keep finding its way up, but que sera ...
@MiT: Sorry I took sooo long to respond to you on this. Sure no problem and I had even thought about rapping this (coz it's so wordy anyway) but I'm not really a rapper and I probably woulda missed the mark. But go ahead, be my guest
@Wayne: Lol thanks bro, and yeah something like this is defo not single material. Heavy Metal or epic Rock-Ballad were my two choices for this, but yeah Metal would be easier and more fitting. Anything less would make it an 8-minute song.
@Mon: Yep I changed the title as both you and Wayne suggested. I'll explain my first take on it in a bit. Thanks for everything else you said
@Exp: Both Wayne and Mon offered constructive 'criticism' and only in the positive sense of that word, much to my appreciation. Second, just to clarify, I did not mean that this was lyrical junk, and I can hardly take your use of that word as 'constructive' criticism, sorry. What I meant was emotional junk because there was a lot of real pain behind this. Third, 'zombie' for sure, that should be rather obvious. But zombie 'porno'?? How did you get that out of this? ...... the eye of the beholder? ...... lol ............ but why don't we all just "move on" now?
Thanks guys
Edit: I'm closing this coz I don't really wanna see this less-than-the-best of my stuff elevated again ... again thanks sincerely for your inputs.
Last edited by MoonRide*r*; 03-02-2011 at 04:53 AM.
There is no glamour in sudden death, and nobody ever wins a war. :
Rockers Unite! => ROCK 'n' Roll Halls of Fame