This here is a true story
About crossing the pond; at night
In the worlds smallest cockpit
On the tanker
Through the weather
Oh, and to the tanker crew who did that, thanks a lot we really appreciated that
I'm just kidding
Come on guys
Well there I was, crossing the pond
And you could see that I wasn't exactly fond
Of all the shit I was wearing on that day
Now an F-16 is cramped enough
But it's even worse will all that stuff
That's supposed to save your life, but we knew there was no way
'Cause if you're going down in the north Atlantic, man its over
Now about 4 hours into the flight
Well I got a little nervous 'cause it was still night
I'm on the wing of the tanker man, and I gotta piss
So I started fucking with the jaws of death
And before I knew it well I was out of breath
I just started cursing and saying to hell with this
And I seriously considered just pissing my pants
So I went and got the fly un-done
And I knew the next part would be twice as fun
Trying to get the gofer up on out of his hole
So I thought real hard about naked chicks
Lesbians, and porn flicks
But none of that worked 'cause he knew that water was damn cold
And I cursed my daddies name for making me half polish
Well I knew that I would need a little help
To keep from pissing all over myself
And if I held it any longer well I'd give myself cancer
So in my hour of greatness there
Well I offered up a simple prayer
To Jesus, hoping that he might answer
And to paraphrase a bit
This is what I said:
"Dear Lord wont you give me a 12 inch penis
Just for an hour or two
Now I'm stuck in the trenches
And I need just a few more inches
And I'll give 'em back as soon as I am through"
Now my faith was strong but my strength was lackin'
And I didn't have much time for the miracle to happen
So I thought the best thing to do was to help it along
So I started to pull and I started to pinch
And I thought I might've squeezed out an extra inch
But that sucker was wedged in tighter than your grandmas thong
Yeah folks I'm sorry that was completely uncalled for
So I choked that fucker like a serial killer
Made me thing about that movie, you know the one with Ben Stiller
Where the dude in the back was yelling
"He was masturbating!"
Now with the other hand I reached for the bag
And I tried to take aim but it was just a wag
And I knew my chances of success they were quickly fading
At this point I knew it would take an act of desperation
Now it was too much to hold but I could get it to dangle
But the best I could do was a 90 degree angle
And I shot that son of a bitch like Dr J
Now I never really thought about what I was doing
Until I realised I couldn't see what the fuck I was doing
And then I paused for a second, and I began to pray
Dear Lord , you've gotta give me this one:
"Dear Lord wont you give me a 12 inch penis
Just for an hour or two
Now I'm stuck in the trenches
And I need just a few more inches
And I'll give 'em back as soon as I am through"
And just about the time I started to go
Well old Mr Winkie he started to grow
And before I knew it he was at least foot long
Now up in heaven god got quite a laugh
'Cause it kept on going past a foot and a half
And before I knew it I was holding a two foot shlong
And I know what you're thinking, "what the hell is he gonna do with that?"
Well that was pretty much the end of my woes
Now I had a Johnson like a fire hose
In fact the whole problem was completely diffused
Now what I did next you might think sleezy
But at this point this one was just too easy
And my new found powers, well they just had to be used
You know, for fighting the forces of evil and shit
Now when it was my turn to refuel
I thought it would be pretty fucking cool
If I did the whole thing with my hands behind my back
Now you might think that was the ultimate test
But the hardest part was really the ILS
'Cause I thought about your mom and ended up well off track
Yes, slightly above glideslope and climbing
Now after I landed that was the trick
It was what the hell do you do with two feet of dick
But it didn't matter much because the lord came to relieve me
'Cause when I tried to put it all back in the cup
It looked like my two hours were up
And I thought to myself, "well who the hell would believe me?"
You can bet for damn sure ain't gonna be my wife
"Dear Lord wont you give me a 12 inch penis
Just for an hour or two
Now I'm stuck in the trenches
And I need just a few more inches
And I'll give 'em back as soon as I am through
Yeah I'll give 'em back as soon as I am through"