Is this poem suitable as the basis for a Greek song? Please tell me your opinion

Is this poem suitable as the basis for a Greek song? Please tell me your opinion. Thanks.

Tο κοίλο του χεριού μου

Καθώς περπατούσα μέσα από τους λόφους
κατά μήκος ενός μικρού σαφές ρεύμα
Σταμάτησα για μια στιγμή
για να πάρετε ένα ποτό του νερού .


(As I walked through the hills
along a small clear stream
I stopped for a moment
to get a drink of water.)


Και όπως εγώ έπιναν λίγο νερό
από το κοίλο του χεριού μου,
ξαφνικά ένιωσα την παρουσία σας
όπως αν εσείς οι ίδιοι στάθηκε δίπλα μου .


(And as I drank some water
from the hollow of my hand ,
I suddenly felt your presence
as if you yourself stood next to me .)


Και εσείς ψιθύρισε ότι
η καρδιά μου περιέχει την ψυχή σας ,
σαν την ψυχή σας ήταν νερό
μέσα στο κοίλο του χεριού μου .


(And you whispered that
my heart contains your soul ,
as if your soul was water
in the hollow of my hand .)

1. Translation makes almost no sense in Greek

2. A song like this one could had been a hit back in the 60's

3. I'm not a musician to answer whether this could be a proper basis for a Greek song or not...

Amethystos - thanks as always. The translation was actually understood quite well by an "average-Joe GreeK" but maybe that guy is so used to the way Google speaks Greek that he doesn't have a big a problem as you do. LOL !!!

But speaking of a good translation, I don't suppose you'd have a few extra minutes to show us what the Greek SHOULD look like in this case ???? LOL !!!

Best as always ...
djh

Amethystos -

The young Greek songwriter Ελεάνα Τσεσμελή has asked me for a poem she can adapt for a song that Lydia Mavrou might like to sing.

I have reworked the song at the top of the this thread ... here are the new lyrics in English. I've asked Duffy to try and do a translation, but I beg you to do a translation as well, if you have the time, of course.

Streams

Last night I dreamt of the stream
where we take our walks together.
You knelt and cupped your hand,
and filled it from the stream.

And I said to you "Be careful -
my soul is in your heart
like the water in your hand.
Do not let my soul slip
from your heart like
water thru your fingers.

My love, life will offer
many streams instead of ours,
and many women instead of me
to walk with by these streams.

And so I say to you: "Be careful -
my soul is in your heart
like the water in your hand.
Do not let my soul slip
from your heart like
water thru your fingers."

Το ποτάμι ονειρεύτηκα εχτές
που στις οχθες του βαδίζουμε μαζί
και τις χούφτες λέει έσκυψες
με νέρο και γέμισες εσύ.

Κι σου πα "Πρόσεχε!"
"η ψυχή μου στην καρδιά σου
όπως το νερό στα χέρια.
Μην αφήσεις να γλυστρήσει
από μέσα απ' την καρδιά σου
όπως το νερό απ'τα χέρια."*

"Αγάπη μου η ζωη θα δώσει
ποτάμια άλλα απ'το δικό μας,
γυναίκες άλλες από μένα,
να τα βαδήσετε οι δυο σας"

* If you need a translation you have to replace "χέρια" (hands) with "δάχτυλα" (fingers)./ But I suppose there must be some rhyme somewhere in there....

Thank you as always, K. Amethystos ...