What about these lyrics? It's not a lot but maybe you guys could give some feedback?

Thread: What about these lyrics? It's not a lot but maybe you guys could give some feedback?

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  1. Anna Lagerstrom said:

    Default What about these lyrics? It's not a lot but maybe you guys could give some feedback?

    You made my soul melt into a shape that fits yours perfectly
    You made my days look brighter but my years grow darker
    You made me bigger than anything or anyone but now

    Bridge:
    We're floating down a swirling river and we're near the end
    Where are we gonna go?
    What are we gonna do?

    Chorus:
    You're like a stranger
    I'm like a stranger
    We keep fighting our feelings like they didn't exist
    ....



    It's not a lot yet but i quite liked it. Could you maybe give some feedback and give some tips how to improve it?
     
  2. curiosity_kills_the_cat's Avatar

    curiosity_kills_the_cat said:

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    Nice beginnings...pls make me understand, is it a 'love-over' song or 'on-off-torrid-love' song?
     
  3. trueperfectionisimperfect said:

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    its good start and if its a love is over/ coming to an end then possibly in the bridge or chorus with the swirling river bit could put in something about a waterfall to signal the crashing and end of the river and relationship
     
  4. Anna Lagerstrom said:

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    It's about an old realationship but they still have feelings for each other and see each other sometimes.. This song is about a boy who is kind of a player but he gets feeling for the girl he plays and when she dumps him, they still have feelings for each other.. it's kind of difficult to explain ;P But thanks for the feedback
     
  5. Jim Colyer's Avatar

    Jim Colyer said:

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    You made my soul melt into a shape that fits yours perfectly

    I've been looking at songs all day, and this is the best line I've seen.
     
  6. Anna Lagerstrom said:

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    Awh thank you You really motivated me to make an actual song out of it. I'll post it when its finished
     
  7. amaryn's Avatar

    amaryn said:

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    Hi Anna! As I want to hear more it means you made me curious and that's in this case a good sign.
    I therefore THANK you and sincerely hope you'll continue it.
    I particularly like the chorus- no more words needed.
    It's the core of the song/poem and therefore it should agree with the rest of the lyrics.
    But that's my humble opinion.
    Nice to meet you!
     
  8. Anna Lagerstrom said:

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    Hi, thanks so much for your feedback
    This is my first actual song ever and i'm so happy that you like it so much.
    I've changed the chorus a little:

    Why do you keep pretending that none of that was real
    Why do you keep denying the feelings that we used to have
    Or was it just me, thinking i would be great enough,
    thinking i would be pretty enough to ever be loved by you

    Which one do you prefer?
     
  9. JJCory3's Avatar

    JJCory3 said:

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    I agree, the first line is beautiful. I like your revised chorus, i would just suggest something like this to make it flow a little better (of course if you have something in mind for how its gonna sound, my suggestion is pointless):

    "Why do you keep pretending that none of that was real?
    Why do you keep denying the feelings that we used to feel?
    Or was it just me, thinking i would be good enough?
    thinking i would be pretty enough...
    to ever be loved by you?"

    Do with it what you will, I just prefer rhyming great start, can't wait to see the finished product!
     
  10. Anna Lagerstrom said:

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    Oh thank you! I love it! Ahh i'm so happy I'm going to start making an actual song out of it. I'll post it on soundcloud when it's done
     
  11. Anna Lagerstrom said:

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    The song so far, i've changed the bridge a little:
    You made my soul melt into a shape that fits yours perfectly
    You made my days look brighter but my years grow so much darker
    You made me bigger than anything or anyone but now

    Bridge:
    We're floating down a swirling river
    But i ain't so strong
    to keep us safe
    soon we will be drowning
    cause of our own mistake

    Chorus:
    "Why do you keep pretending that none of that was real?
    Why do you keep denying the feelings that we used to feel?
    Or was it just me, thinking i would be good enough?
    thinking i would be pretty enough...
    to ever be loved by you?"

    And i made this tab up:


    e|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|
    B|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|
    G|-----4-------7--------9---------9-----7------4----------------------------|
    D|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|
    A|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|
    E|-----3-------7--------8---------8-----7------3----------------------------|