Break Me

This is the first time I've ever posted a song for others to review. I've been a bassist for about 9 years now and have recently started writing songs. I wanted some feedback on my first real attempt at writing so please comment (positively or negatively) so I can gauge my noobish skills.

Here's a song tentatively titled "Break Me." It's a melancholy tune played at a slower tempo and is supposed to be about a romance between two people who aren't "whole" as people. The girl is selfish, only using guys for a short time and the guy is a desperate individual who always gives into his lust. This isn't based on anything I've personally experienced but I thought it was a cool idea.

It's not finished but here is the first verse, pre-chorus, and chorus

She is a whisper
I am her word
Once dishonest praise
I became her favorite curse
She holds her breath just to spite me
She exhales and commands me

I traded my soul
A barter I lost
Bought the fracture of this fragile heart
She took what she wanted from me
I kept giving blindly

She's all that I need
The blood in my veins
This half-hearted romance is slipping away
The key to unlock this unending desire
You're all I need
Yeah, you're all I need

Bend me, break me
Mold me based on your perfect plans
Use me, discard me
Your all time perfect distraction

Thanks!

Here it is finally finished! This is the first song I've ever written in whole and I'm very proud of how it turned out. Please feel free to comment, good or bad, as I would love the feedback.



-Verse-
She is a whisper
I am her word
Once dishonest praise
I became her favorite curse
She holds her breath just to spite me
She exhales and commands me

I traded my soul
A barter I lost
Bought the fracture of this fragile heart
She took what she wanted from me
I kept giving blindly

-Prechorus-
She's all that I need
The air that I breathe
This half-hearted romance is slipping away
The key to unlock this unyielding desire
You're all I need
Yeah, you're all I need

-Chorus-
Bend me, break me
Mold me based on your perfect plans
Use me, discard me
Your all time perfect distraction

-Verse-
What's best in me dies
A self-sacrifice
She draws me to her
Like the moon does the tides
This thing that's like love will sustain me
Though she feels nothing for me

I'm now the whisper
The prayer in the dark
The wasted plea
That falls short of her heart
The cold heart I woshipped is numbing
Loveless, she leaves me reeling

-Prechorus-
She's all that I need
The blood in my veins
This half-hearted romance is slipping away
The key to unlock this unyielding desire
You're all I need
Yeah, you're all I need


-Chorus-
Bend me, break me
Mold me based on your perfect plans
Use me, discard me
Your all time perfect distraction

-Solo-

-Prechorus-
She's the drug that I need
The escape that I crave
This lie I believed in is coming unweaved
My star that can't shine thats just darkness inside
You're everything
To this willing slave

-Chorus-
Bend me, break me
Mold me based on your perfect plans
Use me, discard me
Your all time perfect distraction

Bend me, break me
Mold me based on your perfect plans
Use me, discard me
Your all time perfect distraction

Is this your first song? Mine are awful compared to this, it's very beautiful

Yep this is my first finished song. I've written bits and pieces here and there over the past few years but have never committed to writing. I was in a band where the lead singer wrote all the lyrics so I never had to . Thanks for the compliment, I really appreciate it.

I wouldn't have been able to tell this was your first full songwriting effort had you not said something. This is really impressive! There's only one suggestion I'd like to make though. It's in regards to the following segment of the 2nd verse:

"That falls short of her heart
The cold heart I woshipped is numbing"

Instead of "The cold heart I worshipped", I would put something like "The cold soul I worshipped" for the sake of avoiding the use of the word heart so close together. Other than that, this is pretty awesome.

Rad song, especially for your first attempt!

Sewn Up- I noticed the same thing when I was re-reading it today. I'll think about it and try and tweak it.

Thanks, Tracy!

Like the others said, very nice lyrics especially for a first time. I also agree with Sewn up about the repetition though repetition isnt always bad.

I also like the variations in the pre-chorus comparing her to blood in veins and drugs that you crave. Although I would maybe change the air that you breathe part as the two lines are extremely similar to the much covered Hollies song of the same name.

Unless you meant it as a reference though, in that case keep it in.

Nicely done.

Alex