They don't see

What they don't see
is that this is not all
not all it ought to be
and soon our castle will fall

what they don't see
is we broke all the rules
cause for us it can't be
like what they taught in school

(bridge)
what they can't see
is the half-life we've got
what they won't see
is all that this is not

(chorus)
But you are that one
who came out of nowhere
you are the one
who made me wanna care
you are the one
who put me back together
and you are the one
I wanna love forever
you are the one
I wanna love forever

What they won't see
is how much we have to fight
just so we can live
this half-life every night

What they won't see
is that this is not all
not all it ought to be
and soon our castle will fall

(bridge)
They don't see
but I can see forever
you are the one
that i'll love forever

(chorus)
You are the one
who came out of nowhere
you are the one
who made me wanna care
you are the one
who put me back together
and you are the one
I'm gonna love forever
you are the one
I'm gonna love forever
(outro)
They can't tell me never
you'll see
can't tell me never
wanna love you forever
just wait and see
I'm gonna love you forever
gonna love you forever
gonna love you forever

Hi,

Interesting write. I'm not sure who you are talking to. Im not connecting with the "you" because of the "they" in the lyric.
I don't understand the title because in the chorus it sounds like "You are the one" should be the hook.

IMO I would write a sentence about what the song means then go back and look at each line does it work with what your song is about.

Hope this helps some.

"they" is everyone else or almost everyone else and they (no one) will ever know the secrets that we have to keep.

ok...but the reader doesn't understand that, so the concept of "they" needs to be clarified in the lyric. You have to introduce "they" in the lyric because as the reader/listener I'm lost. That means you aren't communicating with me and I want you to. I want to feel what you are feeling.

Love it!

Dear Teejei: Now that you simply state who "they" are, it's easy. I am no lyrics pro, but if the first line read:

"What others don't see . . . " then the remaining "theys" are identified; of course, that's if you want your song to read that way at the outset. You may wish to keep the more vague "they." (Some things I'm open to change in my own lyrics/poetry; other things not.)

I absolutely love the chorus! I could hear this in a song NOW! So I also find it current. Look forward to more songs from you! Welcome to ATL!

Love the chorus,but the verses lose me completely.

Thank you all for commenting. first i want to mention something by E.E. Cummings but with humble apology because i don't mean it in a bad way, just as a clue to how i went at writing this:

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all the flowers. Don't cry
- the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

and death i think is no parenthesis

The song Endlessly by Muse:

This part in me you'll never know
The only thing I'll never show

Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up, I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes

It's plain to see it's trying to speak
Cherished dreams forever asleep

Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up, I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
If the moment ever comes

Hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I'll give you everything
But I won't give you up, I won't let you down
And I won't leave you falling
But the moment never comes

Smell of Desire by Enigma without the French part:

I can't sleep anymore
I am crazy
I am letting myself go
I can't sleep anymore
I'm yours
In reverse mode
In the name of Christ, so be it
The eternal flame will always burn
Feel - understand - and learn

For me it required a lot of thought and desire to understand before i felt comfortable with what he was saying.

A lot of times the song (music) itself carries an impact of meaning, not saying yet still expressing a lot of emotion. This song is metal in minor key, strong vocal in the verses getting harder and flatter in the first bridge but the chorus is more soft and melodic. The chorus is the vindication of whats wrong in the verses. The second bridge is also more conciliatory or sympathetic in its tone.

with apologies I didn't think it would be so hard to understand that "they" is the others, all the others...

But in all of that i have to say that the name itself says something before the song even starts. "They (all others) don't see".

So in saying all of that, does any of it help at all?

TeeJei,

First and foremost you never have to apologize for anything you've written. Every writer is entitled to write how they want to write. Its a god given thing!!

We are in a critique room that is why I give my opinion. Everyone has an opinion and I gave mine. We don't have to agree. I respect what you have you written. I have my style and my beliefs about songwriting and it is steeped in Country music which is more about the story.

Okay

with that being said. E.E. cumming is an amazing writer with the ability to write with great depth and emotion. I'm not sure how that reflects on your lyric other then you were trying to write with great depth and emotion. Poetry and lyrics are two different things.

So bottom line, its okay that I don't get the they, Its my opinion and you as the writer get to choose what you want to do with that opinion.

Keep or sweep!!!.....

I like this, and I think 'they' fits nicely - I thought immediately you were speaking of 'everyone else'.

I would pick another title and put more focus on the chorus, which could probably be tightened up a little.

Nicely done.

OrchestraInside, Frankie Jasmine and Moonrider I'm glad that you understood and maybe its because you could identify with it in your own way, and that's all that i hope for when i put something like this out for others to read.

If a better title comes to me i'll change it but the title is actually the major point that i wanted to capture when i started writing this...but i'll give it some thought and see what happens. Thank you all

The trouble with titles is, people generally don't register them. They remember songs by chorus and/or first line. That is one reason why it's a good idea to have the title as your first line and/or the main part of the chorus. It gives the song a greater impact.

I know what you mean, when you have an idea where the writing starts and you want that idea in the title. But often the song goes on to grow beyond that and the original title ends up not being the best choice. One can then either re-write the song so the title will have the prominent place it deserves, or change the title.

Rules are obviously made to be broken... But there are 'rules' as to when and how this is best done.

Anyhow, a great job, and you get my 'like' for a love song - doesn't happen often :-)

Tee,
You know what I like about you?Although you writes heavy stuff,you can appreciate a light,different style.Most people only like stuff that is similar to their own work.My song lyrics,for the most part,are easy to understand,leaving very little for interpretation.Props to you for having an open mind!

I really like the verses of these lyrics. This part is particularly well-written: "What they won't see/is how much we have to fight/just so we can live/this half-life every night".