Translation please

Hello everyone,

I'm participating in a rap battle and I would like to integrate two Russian phrases.
Is it possible to translate this: When you talk you sound so stupid that it looks like your microphone is in your xss.
And if possible, please make it rhyme !

Thanks in advance !

Посмотрите на меня - я живу в Европе
Ну а рэп я свой читаю с микрофоном в жопе

It made me smile but this is not very funny if Molotova didn't understand the irony and used it the battle