Noel Coward (& Gertrude Lawrence) – Uncle Harry lyrics

My family have traditions, I've heard them a thousand times,
My relatives were not excessively bright,
They loved to go off on missions and lead the wretched heathen to the light.
A few of them got beaten up in the course of these rampages,
My Great Aunt Maud got eaten up while singing "Rock of Ages".
These family expeditions admittedly are a bore,
But there is just one uncle that I positively adore.

Poor Uncle Harry wanted to be a missionary,
So he took a ship and sailed away.
This visionary, hotly pursued by dear Aunt Mary,
Found a south sea isle on which to stay.

Now the natives greeted them kindly and invited them to dine,
On yams and clams and human hands and vintage coconut wine,
The taste of which was filthy, but the after effects, divine!

Poor Uncle Harry got a bit gay and longed to tarry,
This, Aunt Mary couldn't quite allow.
She lectured him severely on a number of church affairs,
But when she'd gone to bed he made a getaway down the stairs,
For he longed to find the answer to a few of the maidens prayers,
Uncle Harry's not a missionary now.

Poor Uncle Harry, after a chat with dear Aunt Mary,
Thought the time had come to make a row,
He lined up all the older girls in one of the local sheds,
And while he was reviving them and tearing himself to shreds,
They took their mother hubbards off and tied them around their heads,
Uncle Harry's not a missionary now (he's awfully happy),
But he's certainly not a missionary now.

Now Uncle was just a seeker a dreamer sincerely blessed,
Of this, there couldn't be a shadow of doubt,
But the fact that his flesh was weaker than even Aunt Mary guessed,
Took even her some time to figure out.
In all those languid latitudes, the atmosphere's exotic,
To take up moral attitudes would be...too idiotic.
Though no could be meeker than Uncle had been before,
I'll bet today he's giving way at practically every pore!

Poor Uncle Harry, having become a missionary,
Found the natives' morals rather crude.
He and Aunt Mary swiftly imposed an arbitrary ban upon them shopping in the nude.
Now they all considered this silly, they didn't take it well,
They burnt his boots and several suits and wrecked the mission hotel (they also burnt his mackintosh which made a disgusting smell!)

Poor Uncle Harry, after some words with dear Aunt Mary,
Called upon the chiefs for a pow-wow.
Now they didn't brandish knives at him, they really were awfully
sweet,
They made concerted dives and offered him things to eat,
But when they threw their wives at him he had to admit defeat!
Uncle Harry's not a missionary now.

Poor dear Aunt Mary, though it was revolutionary,
Thought her time had come to take a bow.
Uncle Harry looked at her, in whom he had placed his trust,
His very last illusion broke and crumbled away to dust,
For she placed a flower behind her ear and frankly, exposed her bust!
Uncle Harry's not a missionary now - he's left the island!
But he's certainly not a missionary now.