rap lyrics (criticism plz)

Hey i wrote these while reading the book If I Should Die Before I Wake by Hans Nolan. Its a book about Nazi Germany and what happened and it made me think of this


Grey clouds filled his eyes now he cant see the sun
found himself bein the one with the gun
to his head
wonderin what was the last thing he said
to his momma
knowin she goin thru alotta drama
Boom! went the nine that blew out his brains
blood splattered on his shirt, came down like rain
high from the sky, like a hurricane
in my mind i fathomed a reason why he had to die
then all of a sudden i realized the next turn was mine...

hello there! These lyrics provoke so much imagery, they are really good, very visual, filled with emotion, I like them and you can empathise with the character. This might only be short but it is very powerful!

thx it was just somethin i kinda though up i might continue it but im not sure yet

truely amazing. i really really like it. i was kinda worried when i saw how short it was but thats really good!

It's ok... pretty visual

thx for all the comments!

This is very good, as stated by the others xD

You should really consider continuing it.
I would love to see what this could become.

i actually wrote a second part here it is

I turned to my right looked a guy in the face
then i thought "Hey ill try to escape"
Then i remembered that there are alotta people around
im gonna die standing here so i got off the ground
started to run
i heard the guns
dodged one
then got hit by another one
Fell to the ground a german looked in my face
mumbled a word, then boom it went blank

Ooh. I like it. But I think you could come up with something different to rhyme here instead of one: "then got hit by another one"
I'm not sure what. But you could think of something.

I think I liked the first part more though :X

i liked the first part more to, but i needed a second part

and heres what replaces "then got hit by another one"

then got hit in the back, damn im done